Let's talk about Duality - Can you see the blessings amongst the pain?

Call it ‘fate’, call it ‘destiny’, or just call it plain ‘bad luck’. No matter what you call it, unfortunately sometimes in life really shitty things happen to people. These things happen to people of all ages, races, nationalities and blood types. In reality, most of the time we have absolutely no control over these things happening to us, or anyone else for that matter. What we can control however, is how we CHOOSE to perceive, react and respond to these events. And that, ultimately, is the key to moving on with your life and being free.

The question is; Are you ready to move on with your life now?

Is it time to move on?

This is a really crucial point and something worth exploring, especially as ‘moving on’ can be mis-interpreted. There is no real way that anyone can answer this question for you. For most people this feeling of being ready actually comes when there is a powerful recognition that ones happiness, relationships and overall quality of life have suffered enough, and there is a clear desire for that to change for the better and ‘move on’ from what’s happened. This does NOT mean forgetting the event or deleting it from our memories, far from it. And nor is there a need to rush these things. It’s not appropriate to just suggest that you should just ‘move on’ weeks after the death of a loved one, or to ‘get over it’ immediately after a marital breakup for example.

But there will come a time when you have been through a natural process of grieving for what’s happened, or mourning for those we may have lost. A time when you look around at where you are in life and say to yourself - “Enough. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t know exactly what to do or where I’m headed but I do know that I want more from my life than this”.

If you are feeling something like that right now and want to commit to a brighter future, get in touch.

Can you find those blessings amongst the pain?

This ties in very closely with finding the right time in someone’s journey to take this step forward. It can be a very difficult question for someone to consider, especially if the feelings around the event are still too raw, or if it is too soon for them to explore this change in perception. Disclosing the reasoning and detail behind asking this kind of question detracts from it’s effectiveness. So instead let’s consider some situations in which you can find the duality of a set of circumstances and see if you can understand how you might use that to create a shift in perception:

How sweet do you think freedom feels after being imprisoned or trapped in a controlling relationship for years on end? Do you think everyone has the same appreciation for their freedom?

As a mother and housewife with 2 screaming children in the house all day, I bet the days of settling down to read a good book or have a night of unbroken sleep are a distant memory, right? I bet you wouldn’t take for granted those rare occasions when you get to take a long hot bath or a night without the kids, would you?

After witnessing a fatal and tragic car accident, and realising that those people won’t be going home to see their families ever again, it would certainly put that petty argument you had with your partner into perspective, wouldn’t it? How much more time and love do you give when you have a realisation of how precious life is?

The defining moment in your journey

‘Alice’ came to NEWRO for help earlier this year. For obvious reasons we will keep her identity confidential, Alice is not her real name. Alice had spent several years trying to get over a relationship in which she suffered emotional abuse from a man who she described in her first session as someone who had “ruined my life”. A controlling and manipulative person who had taken away her freedom and ruined her trust in men….. “I wish I had never met him!”.

There appears a common theme in experiences with clients having profound breakthroughs and experiencing a major shift in their perception of an event. That commonality is a point in time where someone utters words that they honestly never thought that they would, or could ever say. Given the hypothetical choice to go back and change that event, so that it never happened, but also change the course of their life since then. Or….. keep the life they have now; the lessons they have learnt, the strength that they have developed, the knowledge to be able to pay that forward to someone else and use it for good - But live with what has happened and accept that it led them to where they are today.

2 weeks after arriving at her first session, with a proud smile on her face and tears in her eyes, Alice answered that hypothetical question that would unknowingly be the start of a new chapter in her life. This is a quote and I want the full effect to be felt, so please excuse the profanity! -

“Jesus. I cannot believe I’m going to say this….. Given the choice I wouldn’t go back and change what happened, no. Even if I could. I’m glad I met him actually…… What the Fuck!? Did I really just say that!?….. (Deep Breath) Ok. Yes…… it’s true. I am glad. I am who I am today because of everything that happened and I’m stronger because of it. That’s the truth.”

This is not an uncommon breakthrough for someone to experience with the right approach. Sometimes it can take years for people to come to a realisation like Alice did. Whatever stage of your journey you are on, just remember that there are people out there who can help. If you are currently experiencing domestic abuse, and need to talk to someone, call the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

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Ed Smith